Everybody has a plan. They want to go to this school, pursue that career, climb Mt. Everest, write a novel, learn to dance, retire at 55 to take up painting, and/or collect all of the state quarters.
I don’t. I don’t have a single plan. When I look into the future, it’s one vast, substantial–Void. It’s not that the road is twisty and turny or obscured: there simply isn’t one. At all. I can turn all around and see a limitless horizon, yet who’s to say which compass point is for me? I have less of an idea than ever of what I want to be when I grow up. I just don’t know what my purpose is or where I’m going.
While I’m waiting, I’m working at an ice cream shop, doing a job I got not by my own merits, but by virtue of who my roommates are. Whenever I try to endeavor something else on my own, my efforts are entirely fruitless. And a lot of the time, I can start to feel pretty insecure and useless when I see everyone I love getting more and more busy, heading off to slay their own personal dragons, getting more deeply involved with things that Matter with a capital M, and working towards the things they know they want to do. What do I do? Well. I scoop ice cream and appear to be sitting around waiting for divine enlightenment. Yeah.
This sounds Very Bad. And there are a lot of people who could and probably do think I’m crazy. What am I doing?? I was an effortlessly brainy 4.0 student! A gifted writer! I used even to be working at a sensible customer service job where there was room for advancement and pay raises. In fact, I turned down a pretty darn big one when I quit. And now I’ve dropped out of college and am scooping ice cream. Whaaaat???
But except for brief moments of panic and uncertainty, I have a feeling this is just as it’s supposed to be for the time.
I’ve been working on writing this out since last night, and it’s very slow going. I have to go to work this afternoon, though, so I think I’m going to divide this up and make this Part One and post it as-is. More later.
A lot of what you said here sounds very familiar. You are able to articulate what I’ve been feeling. When we first moved here I felt like I didn’t have a plan of my own– I would just copy whatever Sarah did. I didn’t have the guts to branch out on my own and find my own idea of what I wanted to do. I feared Sarah and Catherine getting jobs and leaving me behind, directionless and lacking in confidence to do anything for myself. That fear was relieved when Sarah found jobs for us, but I’m still struggling with it, somewhat. I feel like I need to branch out on my own somehow, do something that’s all my own and become more of my own person, I guess. And gain some confidence in my abilities. I need to travel somewhere on my own, or have a job that I don’t share with Sarah or something. After thinking and praying about this a long time, I have some ideas which I believe God guided me to, but I haven’t pursued them very far yet. I’ll tell you more later. I just wanted to let you know, you’re not the only one that feels this way. *hugs* I’ll pray for you!
Another thought– sometimes it feels like we’re not going anywhere in life, but God has a purpose for it. There are seasons of waiting, and God teaches us a lot through it. When Sarah and I were running our own daycare, we often felt like it was a supreme waste of time, and we didn’t make enough money for it to be worth it, if that’s the only reason we were doing it. God used it to help us to grow up a lot. We learned a lot about the real world, and interacted with people outside of our sheltered homeschooled world. We saw broken families, unmarried couples, fatherless kids, families struggling financially. They weren’t just statistics anymore, they were real people, and we began seeing them as God sees them– with compassion. It was eye-opening. The world would look at what we did in those almost two years and say it was a complete failure and waste of time. But we know that we acquired skills, maturity, and life experience that will be valuable to us in the future. And I know that my prayers for all those kids I cared for were heard, and made a difference. And providing a loving, safe, Christian environment for the children that were brought to us I’m sure made an impact, even if we can’t see the results this side of heaven. Well, just some thoughts. Hope it was encouraging.
It’s hard to truly believe it sometimes, but God has a plan. Pray, pray, pray! 
Moses tended sheep to no apparent purpose for 40 years in order to become one of the greatest leaders this world has ever known. *HUGS* Our God never moves without purpose or plan… even when all we see is empty space. It makes my heart so glad to see you trusting Him, even now, to make it clear and plain in His time.
My sweet kindred spirit.
Been there, done that, wrote the book… or failed to write the book, actually.
I’ve been asking God for so long what He wants me to do, but there must be something I’m missing, or something wrong about the way I’m asking. Or used to be. Now, after three years and counting, I feel like I’m just beginning to make out that path the grass was hiding. It is still so faint I’m afraid to blink for fear I’ll lose it again, but I have to trust it is there and that He’ll help me find it.
Perhaps this verse is for you– “Be strong, take heart, and wait on the Lord”